Problem Solver

Tyson:
So, I think it comes down to I enjoy helping people, I enjoy spreading the things that I’m passionate about, it’s just currently I just get so easily stuck in these ruts of it not feeling like I’m going to enjoy it. I was so stressed before my presentation at the Art of Retreat. It was just destroying me and I knew perfectly well that I would have a fun presentation and I knew perfectly well that people were going to learn stuff from it, but what I don’t think that I understood was that I was going to have that much fun doing it because I don’t know. It all just felt like a drag. It all just felt like, oh, this is just more ways to not meet either my expectations or other people’s expectations. There isn’t particularly an answer to it.

Craig:
I wasn’t… That was not me critiquing. I made a… I don’t if I want to repeat this or not, but I made a gesture with my hand or c’est la vie or that’s the way it is, and I didn’t mean you ignored me. I meant I agree with you completely, that’s how it works. It’s just a commiserating gesture.

Tyson:
No, I was thinking a lot of times when I… I haven’t shared this with all that many people because I find that usually people have a similar response to it that I do in that once they understand what the problem is, they start thinking about what the solution could be, and then they propose solution after solution and it doesn’t particularly help.

Craig:
I already tried that, but.

Tyson:
Yeah. And it’s really hard to tell that to somebody or tell them, “Okay, can you stop trying to fix it?” It just doesn’t help me in that stage or that’s not the support that I’m looking for right now, and I think that that’s just something that it’s really inherent within me. I am a problem solver, give me a problem that’s well defined and I will totally find you a solution. I just go get problem, solution, problem, solution and I think it’s easy to get stuck in a position where it’s caring more about the problem than the person I guess is the split there.

Craig:
You had expressed uncertainty as to the value about talking about it and I think that there’s tremendous value in talking about it. I think that too many people think of depression as a… I was going to say melody, like there’s something wrong with you if you are depressed. And I’m absolutely convinced that you can… I call it optimization, like I optimize the shit out of everything that I do all the time, like what paper? What pen? Everything, I carry two flashlights, all this stuff. I’m convinced that one cannot optimize oneself out of depression. I’ve tried it and I’m really good at optimizing stuff, and all I do is wind up… To me, it feels like I have a mental queue of like, I was doing this and then I have to put my finger on it, and then I start going on this and I just became optimizing and I’m like, “All I’ve done is make 7,000 things go around in my head, none of which had to do with… I was trying to make a cup or coffee or I was trying to get dressed.”

Craig:
And I think just saying those kinds of things out loud help me when I say them to certain people, and I think when other people hear… The first time I heard somebody else say those kinds of things I was like, “Oh, good. I really really thought that my brain was broken. Now I’m convinced that my brain is actually just been trained to think a certain way,” which has to do with how I worked with analytic computers and what I did for 25 years of just everything has to be black and white because that’s what I was doing. And I was like, “Oh, so I do this, I do this, and there’s a remainder,” and then I had to put that somewhere and it’s like this long optimization process and leftover details. And when I start to talk to people about that then I find people like you who say the same sorts of things, “I can optimize the hell out of everything but I still have this.”

Craig:
And then I think you’re maybe ahead of me in identifying it as I would say it but I still have this problem, and I think you’re are your outlook is a little healthier or a better way to look at it as and I still am this, rather than trying to fix it. So, that’s just my take on what you’ve been saying. I don’t think it’s useless or I think it’s very useful to talk about these things.

Tyson:
Yeah. I mean, it’s only through forcing myself to talk about it that I did come to some of these realizations potentially, and I don’t know if they’ll be of particular use because I’m still in the middle of it and I’m just coming away with these ideas. I definitely sort of think the same way.